Does this finally settle matter for the Euro-trash who have maligned one of the greatest athletes of our era?

Dutch investigators cleared Lance Armstrong of doping in the 1999 Tour de France on Wednesday, and blamed anti-doping authorities for misconduct in dealing with the American cyclist.

A 132-page report recommended convening a tribunal to discuss possible legal and ethical violations by the World Anti-Doping Agency and to consider ''appropriate sanctions to remedy the violations.''

The French sports daily L'Equipe reported in August that six of Armstrong's urine samples from 1999, when he won the first of his record seven-straight Tour titles, came back positive for the endurance-boosting hormone EPO when they were retested in 2004.

Armstrong has repeatedly denied using banned substances.

The International Cycling Union appointed Dutch lawyer Emile Vrijman last October to investigate the handling of urine tests from the 1999 Tour by the French national anti-doping laboratory, known by its French acronym LNDD.

Vrijman said Wednesday his report ''exonerates Lance Armstrong completely with respect to alleged use of doping in the 1999 Tour de France.''

Now we know that Armstrong accomplished his feats without artificial enhancement.

We also know that a bunch of flaccid Frenchies have again shown their national character -- No Courage, No Class.

And we confirm this simple truth -- we grow 'em bigger and better in Texas.

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And about time!

Roger Clemens and the Astros have officially reached an agreement, according to a person in the negotiations who told the Chronicle. A press conference will be announced shortly.

Clemens, whose 341 career victories are more than any person alive, went 18-4 with a 2.98 ERA in 2004 while winning the National League Cy Young Award, extending his record Cy Young collection to seven.

After helping the Astros to the National League Championship Series in 2004, he was 13-8 with a major-league best 1.87 ERA last season while helping the Astros reach the franchiseÂ’s first World Series. Although Clemens flirted with Boston and the Rangers, his former Astros teammates laughed and cautioned that heÂ’d return to Houston.

ClemensÂ’ signing should bolster the club.

“It will add a boost to the team,” ace Roy Oswalt said. “Any time you get a guy like that in the rotation, it would be great.

"We have to have a spark, and hopefully he will give it to us.”

Catcher Brad Ausmus was pleased.

“I think it’s a huge boost to our pitching staff,” Ausmus said. “Why? That’s a stupid question. He’s a horse. He’s probably the best pitcher in the history of the game. He’s the type of guy that for a full season you can count on for 200 innings.

Astros owner Drayton McLane negotiated deep into Tuesday night with Roger ClemensÂ’ agents, and he headed to Houston early Wednesday morning.

“We worked on it last night, so that’s why I’m going to Houston right now,” McLane said as he boarded his private airplane in Temple. “We’ve worked to try to get this thing done.”

McLane has been optimistic for weeks, and he has made definite progress with ClemensÂ’ agents, Randy and Alan Hendricks.

And while we are bringing back the old guys -- what shape is Nolan Ryan's arm in?

After all, the Astros are already 6.5 games behind the St. Louis Cardinals.

UPDATE: If you do the math, Clemens will get $14 million for four months in the majors.

Roger Clemens and the Astros have officially reached an agreement, according to a person in the negotiations who told the Chronicle. A press conference is set for 11 a.m. to announce the signing.

The deal is a pro-rated $22 million agreement, a major league record for a pitcher. Clemens will start at Class A Lexington, then go to Class AA Corpus Christi, followed by a trip to Class AAA Round Round before landing in Houston on June 22, Clemens' agent Randy Hendricks said today.

UPDATE 2: My earlier source on the prorated contract seems to have been wrong. These are the correct figures.

When he is added to the major league roster, he gets a one-year contract worth $22,000,022 -- his uniform number is 22. Because he won't be playing the full season, he gets only a prorated percentage of that, which would come to about $12.25 million if he rejoins Houston in late June. The tentative goal is to have him start against the Minnesota Twins on June 22 -- if he's put on the big league roster on that day, he would earn $12,632,307.

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My Darling Democrat paused while flipping channels during a commercial.

How sad!

Am I the only one who thinks she looks like Brando in drag?

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This could be interesting.

Could Gov. Jeb Bush's future be in football instead of politics?

While U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has publicly flirted with the idea of becoming the next commissioner of the National Football League, Bush has been privately approached to gauge his interest in the job.
Bush, who spends his Sundays each fall watching pro football, acknowledged Tuesday that the NFL job was broached during a recent meeting with Patrick Rooney Sr., owner of the Palm Beach Kennel Club.

Rooney is the brother of Dan Rooney, who owns the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers and co-chairs the NFL's search committee looking for a replacement for Commissioner Paul Tagliabue.

And let's be honest -- it gives him a rather public position from which to build popularity for a run for president in 2012 or 2016.

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I'd love to say this is beyond belief -- but give Madonna's penchant for the outrageous (including sex with a saint's statue come to life in her "Like a Prayer" video two decades ago), I'm not surprised.

MADONNA kicked off her new Confessions world tour in Los Angeles on Saturday – and showed it will be her most controversial routine ever.

As my snap shows, at one point Madge appears hanging from a cross, which is sure to stoke up a backlash from Christians.

Maybe I'll have some respect for her blasphemous tendencies when she insults the Islamic beliefs, teachings, and symbols.

Oh, that's right -- that won't happen.

Muslims would kill her -- Christians will only criticize her and create lots of publicity for the tour and album.

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I'll be honest -- I enjoyed listening to the Dixie Chicks, but I joined the boycott when they started all the anti-Bush trash-talk. Yes, they had a right to take the position they took -- but I have every right to express my disapproval by refusing to buy their product.

Well, they are at it again, hoping to turn their bush Derangement Syndrome into commercial success. But I don't think this is the way to go.

The Dixie Chicks' Natalie Maines apologized for disrespecting President Bush during a London concert in 2003. But now, she's taking it back.

"I don't feel that way anymore," she told Time magazine for its issue hitting newsstands Monday. "I don't feel he is owed any respect whatsoever."

And we should take your views into consideration because...?

But probably the most significant reason I won't buy their new CD has nothing to do with Natalie's politics -- it has to do with this statement.

For band member Martie Maguire, the controversy was a blessing in disguise.

"I'd rather have a small following of really cool people who get it, who will grow with us as we grow and are fans for life, than people that have us in their five-disc changer with Reba McEntire and Toby Keith," Maguire said. "We don't want those kinds of fans. They limit what you can do."

Well, I wouldn't want to limit you by contributing to your commercial success. I'll stick with Reba, Kenny Chesney, and a few old Chris LeDoux CDs. But thanks for making it clear that you aren't interested in those of us who helped build your career in the early days. We'll pass those sentiments on to country radio stations around the country.

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When babe Ruth hit 714 homers in his career, the only "artificial enhancements" he used to stimulate his success were booze and hookers. Barry Bonds is the steroid king. That makes the milestone he has reached illegitimate in this fan's eyes. Number 714 simply does not count -- and his records and accolades should be expunged once the BALCO investigation is over. The number 714 should be deemed an achievement legitimately reached by Babe Ruth alone.

he agonizing wait is over for Barry Bonds. He and the Babe are even at 714.

Bonds tied Babe Ruth for second place on the career home run list Saturday, ending a nine-game homerless stretch with a shot into the first deck of the elevated stands in right-center during San FranciscoÂ’s 4-2, 10-inning victory over the Oakland Athletics.

“This is a great accomplishment because of Babe Ruth and what he brought to the game of baseball and his legacy in the game of baseball,” Bonds said. “This and a World Series ring to me would be the ultimate. He changed the game of baseball. ... It’s just great to be in the same class.”

No, Barry, you are not in the same class as Ruth, Aaron, and Mays. You are in a no-class all your own.

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My wife has been speculating on a secret marriage for the couple for several months – now it looks like we at least get an engagement out of the romance.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban will tie the knot, the country music star's publicist has confirmed.

"They are very happily engaged," said publicist Paul Freundlich. He declined to discuss details of their wedding plans, and Kidman's publicist did not immediately return a call for comment Wednesday.

The Oscar-winning actress broke the news to People magazine Monday after hosting a weekend gala event in New York.

"He's actually my fiance. I wouldn't be bringing my boyfriend," the magazine quoted her as saying in a story posted on its Web site.

No date yet, so I guess I will keep hearing about this one.

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This may be one of the greatest single lines from a music review in history -- and a sign of the growing importance of blogs in our national dialogue.

"Living With War," however, seems to be a couple of years behind the curve, coming across like a series of stale, somewhat superficial lefty blog posts set to fuzzy rock as Young attacks (and mocks) the Bush administration while declaring war on war.

No wonder the KOSsaks and DUmmies think this is the most important musical release since some caveman named Og beat a couple of rhytmically beat a couple of rocks together while Ug blew air through a hollow-ed out bone.

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Looks like the kid may have some talent – I hope he catches on with the team.

The Rams have gone Hollywood.

Not only is new coach Scott Linehan the brother-in-law of actor Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus in the movie "The Passion of the Christ," but now the team has signed the son of Academy Award winner Denzel Washington.

Running back John David Washington, the leading career rusher at NCAA Division II Morehouse College, is among 10 undrafted free agents the Rams have added in the wake of the weekend's NFL draft.

* * *

John David Washington, 5 feet 10 and 200 pounds, said his success in football had nothing to do with his father's success in films.

"This is my thing," he told the Los Angeles Daily News. "My father supports me 100 percent, but there's nothing he did as far as his star influence to get me here."

In the same interview, Denzel Washington said: "For a kid to have that dream and be this close, and for a dad who had the same dream and didn't make it, needless to say I'm very proud and happy for him. . . . Nothing would make me happier than to be known as John David Washington's dad."

John David holds Morehouse records for rushing yards in a game (242), season (1,198) and career (3,699). He was the Southern Intercollegiate Athletic Conference's offensive player of the week six times and an all-conference selection after his senior year.

Having taught a number of kids who went on to play Division I and Division II ball, I know what work it takes to get to that level. Having coached one who plays in the NFL now, I know how much more it takes to go to the next level.

Congratulations, John David Washington – and proud poppa Denzel, too. Good luck.

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Looks like the kid may have some talent – I hope he catches on with the team.

The Rams have gone Hollywood.

Not only is new coach Scott Linehan the brother-in-law of actor Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus in the movie "The Passion of the Christ," but now the team has signed the son of Academy Award winner Denzel Washington.

Running back John David Washington, the leading career rusher at NCAA Division II Morehouse College, is among 10 undrafted free agents the Rams have added in the wake of the weekend's NFL draft.

* * *

John David Washington, 5 feet 10 and 200 pounds, said his success in football had nothing to do with his father's success in films.

"This is my thing," he told the Los Angeles Daily News. "My father supports me 100 percent, but there's nothing he did as far as his star influence to get me here."

In the same interview, Denzel Washington said: "For a kid to have that dream and be this close, and for a dad who had the same dream and didn't make it, needless to say I'm very proud and happy for him. . . . Nothing would make me happier than to be known as John David Washington's dad."

John David holds Morehouse records for rushing yards in a game (242), season (1,19 and career (3,699). He was the Southern Intercollegiate Athletic Conference's offensive player of the week six times and an all-conference selection after his senior year.

Having taught a number of kids who went on to play Division I and Division II ball, I know what work it takes to get to that level. Having coached one who plays in the NFL now, I know how much more it takes to go to the next level.

Congratulations, John David Washington – and proud poppa Denzel, too. Good luck.

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As fans will tell you, there are always questions galore about 24. USA Today’s Robert Bianco asks some important ones – and tries to answer them as well – as we enter the final 5 hours of this season’s day.

1. Is Defense Secretary Heller dead?

Chances are Audrey Raines' father went over the cliff in his car. But it's also possible that he rolled out at the last minute, because people on shows like 24 are born knowing how to do such things. (I can't change lanes and the CD at the same time.) I'd guess the writers want us to wonder about his fate — but then again, the show often races over its plot holes, which sometimes causes fans to invent mysteries that don't exist.

Speaking of unanswered questions, Bianco even asks about my favorite one from last season – What happened to Behrooz?

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I bow before the massive intellect of Madonna and her keen insights of the political issues facing the nation.

Madonna radically altered her music to attack US President George W Bush during her appearance at California music festival Coachella, yesterday.

The Hung Up singer thrilled fans with a six-song set in the Sahara Dance Tent, and took a cheeky swipe at the US leader by changing her song lyrics.

During an energetic rendition of her song I Love New York, Madonna roared, "Just go to Texas and suck George Bush's d**k."

What a class act she is!

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